“you are not my day” How do you respond to this?, your stepchildren tell you this outright or show it through their body language, how do you feel? would you take it personally?, after investing yourself to raise them, physically and financially. It is equivalent to spitting on your face.
The truth is; it is painful but you should not take it personally, simply because they don`t understand the weight of that word and the pain it can cause.
Except if they are teenagers then you can hold them accountable for what they have said; in that case their intentions to hurt you is clear, and to defy your authority, because they clearly violated the boundaries of a stepfather.
The perfect respond
Don`t let your emotions get better of you, but instead; the best way to respond is acknowledging that fact by saying ” Yes, I know that and i am not trying to replace him; but you live in my house, if you want to continue living in my house, you need to show the respect and obey me, the respect you would show to your dad”.
Say this in front of your wife; so that she can help you address it; to make the children understand you are on the same page. But don`t over react as that could worsen the situation.
Children say this word specifically to challenge your authority in the house; they do this thinking you would be quite, because it is a point of silence, children do this when they feel threaten; and they will go nuclear on you.
That you neither have to command them; nor they should listen to you. your spouse is the right person to help you gain your authority back in this circumstance; when it is properly addressed, they won`t repeat it again; but if children realize that their mother is in the same page with them, then you have a bigger problem.
Your wife`s support is a must
It is absolutely important your wife and you remain united addressing this issue in front of the children. But your wife`s questioning you in front of the children will undermine your authority.
This can lead the children to try to play both sides against one another. If your wife disagrees with you, is better to have discussion about the issue away from the children.
If the issue is not addressed; they will keep reminding you of that fact every chance they got, especially step-teens; they want to test your authority and boundaries as well as your patience.
Just accept that fact and try to see the situation from their point of view, and don`t take it personally, but that does not mean you have to allow them to abuse you; or be rude to you.
The fact is most children who have lost or displaced biological fathers, their world is upside down and they don`t know how to deal with it. So take a deep breath and use these tips below to handle them, you will get through it.
Remember, you are not your step-teens father; and you cannot replace him, your acknowledgment to this is important because you will be reminded about this fact day in day out; for your to be able to properly handle the situation that trigger this offensive words.
You must accept in order to keep your anger down. Just regard yourself as another adult who should be there for them no matter what. And make it a point to them that all you wanted is a loving relationship with them because you care; and let them know they can always count on you, but you demand them to respect you.
You must be loving as the same time authoritative, even in the case of your own children; you don`t have to be a friend during their teenage years, so be the same with your stepchildren.
Some stepfathers like to be a friend just to keep peace and avoid been reminded “you are not my dad”, but this does not always work.
A true loving and caring stepfather has to be someone who will do what is right; in the case your come to know that your stepchildren are exposed to drugs, or drinking and driving; you need to talk your wife to address that issue accordingly.
Because you would definitely want the same thing from your wife, if it was your biological son or daughter. Being a softie is not an option, that will invite your stepchildren to walk all over you.
Set your house rules and let them know about this even before they move in; and let your wife help you emphasis this to them; this is important to let them understand that you are the man of the your house, therefore they should know what is expected of them and what is not; so there shouldn`t be any surprise attitudes.
It absolutely necessary for you and your wife to discuss boundaries you should set; implement them consequences and stick to them.
If you get your wife`s support on this; there won`t any issues that will be left unaddressed, the reason you set boundaries is they are not to be crossed. Make them understand this house rules.
When it comes to step-parenting you need your wife`s support, and both you have to agree on this especially when it comes to discipline, knowing this; your stay with your stepchildren will be hospitable situation.
To make stepchildren understand the authority figure is important as you; for instant; if their biological parent deceased, they will need you to be the next best thing, who will be kind, loving and provide guidance.
Handling stepchildren can be trick, and could put you through many tests. Remember your wife also has to explain to your stepchildren why she is getting remarried.
Communication is very important between. It is important you reassure your stepchildren that you are not their biological father and you cannot replace him, but you are someone who is willing to be there for them, and more than happy to give them they suppose and guidance they need.
Remember; only with boundaries and house rules things will go smoothly.
My name is Lamin Darboe, i am an admin of aviralblog.com, I started this blog to motivate and inspire people, using my life experience and knowledge to help to offer solutions to personal issues, family and parenting problems, to bring out the best in them. The articles on this website are based on life experience and personal educational researches. Read more about me