Our society and culture has no norms to suggest how different step-moms in general are from the biological parent; Because many people have the believe that they are not real; judging on how they treat their stepchildren compare to their biological children.
Therefore the tension; confusion and compromise is common; when the role of motherhood is shared between the two.
Our society and culture seem to expect step-moms to instantly and equally love her step children; in the same way compare to her children; or her step-children to instantly love her the same way they love their biological mother.
In the reality this might be not be the same way;, some step moms might feel a great amount of guilt about her lack of positive feelings towards her new husband`s children.
The impact of our society
The way our society made us to believe is step-moms are often not caring enough; then tend to be so strict towards their stepchildren; especially in their case of discipline, it could be constant source of family conflict, simply because the biological father think she is so strict enough; even if she is not.
As a result, the step-mom may feel like an unbiased observer; because she is considered as an outsider; and step-children also don`t often react positively towards her either; for the fact that she is not their biological parent.
This is the reason why the irony of expecting instant love is difficult; and stepmom-stepchildren love is further complicated. if she is not regarded as equal in when it comes to discipline or command her stepchildren.
Sometimes; another difficulty step-moms face is marriage sabotage by step-children; they may purposely create troubles for her simple because they don`t want the marriage to work; and they will act out with hostility to make it difficult for “stepmom-stepchild relationship” to flourish.
This usually happens when the children were strongly against the divorce of their biological mother, so they try to sabotage the new relationship; in most cases their act is not personal towards their step-mom, but for anyone who is a replacement for their mom.
In some children often don`t understand the reality of the divorce; so they always have this fantasy their biological parent will united at some point. and they may believe that the only way to get their parents reunite is to sabotage the new marriage relationship.
Certain difficulties are most likely to affect the stepmom, like conflict expectation from her side can make things really hard. As a step-mom; your only best shot for happiness is to work to stay optimistic and ignore the negativity and myths that may affect you emotionally.
The role of the step-mom at some point is really difficult compare to step-father; in most cases the step-mom often go through custody battles or have a history of troubled family relations.
And the pressure our society put on step-others is huge; expecting romantic, mythical loving relationship with step-children but at the same time portraying her as cruel, vain and selfish, abusive and competitive.
Step-moms are often accused of being preferential towards their children, so no matter how patient you are; all your actions are suspected; for her to be accepted she has to be much better than OK, no wonder many step-moms deal with constant stresses; anxiety and depression more than step-father.
In fact, stepmother and stepdaughter relationship is often the most difficult one.
Yet Researches have found that a step-mom can have a positive impact on her step-children more than a step-father; because she more like to play an active part in children`s life compare to the step-father.
Perhaps; full time step-mothering may be not be so complicated compare to part-time step-mothering. Especially when you are married to non-custodial father; who often see his children regularity; in this case no matter how hard you tried to establish a loving relationship with your step-children.
You may often get rejected openly; and at times situation can make you uncomfortable in the cases where the non-custodial father is expected or needed to spend time communicating with his ex-wife; about children’s affairs, like school problems, health issues and eve household maintenance. In the case the step-mom can totally feel completely left out.
How you overcome this kind of situation as a step-mom
First you need to try and maintain your integrity; no matter how hard your relationship with children might be, just always offer them with an open ear; it may be tempting to prove yourself that you are better, loving and kinder.
But the true is you may not have the capability to satisfy all these needs, so don`t try to complete with the biological mother, what is important is ensuring that these kids have a caring; secure and healthy environment to grown.
Another thing to consider is accept children`s point view as their biological mother is the first; the truth is step-children also carry all of the history; the good and the bad; from the moment they are old enough to remember on how their parents relationship ended to the point you came in; at times children blame themselves for the relationships failure.
You must not use that opportunity in order to gather intelligence about what went wrong; you may risk the perpetuating the children`s feeling of guilt, and this can cause psychological damage.
It is not the time for you to feel jealous or fragile about the connection between the children and their parent; the parents are only connected by their children`s love; therefore don`t confuse that with a betrayal.
Problems of biological mother
In some cases; the biological mother could also act offensive; trying to portray herself as she is trying to retain a relationship; in order to make you jealous, Don`t consider that as your problem, instead your responsibility is to build a trusting relationship with your stepchildren but ensuring their welfare, safety and health.
Don`t regard yourself as someone who is working in a battle zone, but you should rather regard yourself as someone who is walking in to your step-children`s life; therefore the stand for your is the best interest of the children.
In some cases a biological mom can be difficult towards you simply because you have both legal and physical custody; just regards her as someone who has lost a lot of her identity, she is dealing with that trauma, this is when you should be kind to her.
And remember by doing so your will have the best relationship with your step-children; because you gave them a place to explore and express their joy and went their frustrations.
Finally advice is you need to know that love is not a prize, therefore don`t compete for what you might view as a finite amount of love, but love is boundless; all you need to do; is just show your step-children that the love that surrounds them has just be expanded by one more person who cares. And stay beautiful.
My name is Lamin Darboe, i am an admin of aviralblog.com, I started this blog to motivate and inspire people, using my life experience and knowledge to help to offer solutions to personal issues, family and parenting problems, to bring out the best in them. The articles on this website are based on life experience and personal educational researches. Read more about me